i'm wasting my time. Not just right now, but consistantly over the past few days and weeks. i need to be do something productive with my life. I think that might be why i'm feeling kinda crappy generally as of late. Life is fun and all, but it really has no point. What goal do i have? Soccer is done, i don't care about bowling enough for it to be rewarding, and i'm so close to being done with high school, every day i'm ready to just stay home. I don't know if i can finish scouting. For the first time since 12 i'm realizing that there's a possibility of not getting my Eagle Scout. That's such a failure. I really hate failing at stuff. It's why i hated breaking my arm (the first time in cambridge), it's why i regret the fact that i stopped swimming, it's why i don't quit piano, or any of my other hard classes for that matter. It's why i kept trying, even when it was clear that it would never get anywhere.

I need some reason to get up in the morning, because right now i don't have one, and it all makes it feel worthwhile. Even though i enjoy most of the day, when the day is done, what have i accomplished? I need to start working out again, i need to try to finish my scouting stuff, i need to get my piano music (i'm going to do that after i finish this). I really should start doing my homework again. I need to put forth some real effort in something. Right now i'm just kinda moving along. I need to get a job, i need a lot of things.

I've really gotta find something new.