i'm wasting my time. Not just right now, but consistantly over the past few days and weeks. i need to be do something productive with my life. I think that might be why i'm feeling kinda crappy generally as of late. Life is fun and all, but it really has no point. What goal do i have? Soccer is done, i don't care about bowling enough for it to be rewarding, and i'm so close to being done with high school, every day i'm ready to just stay home. I don't know if i can finish scouting. For the first time since 12 i'm realizing that there's a possibility of not getting my Eagle Scout. That's such a failure. I really hate failing at stuff. It's why i hated breaking my arm (the first time in cambridge), it's why i regret the fact that i stopped swimming, it's why i don't quit piano, or any of my other hard classes for that matter. It's why i kept trying, even when it was clear that it would never get anywhere.

I need some reason to get up in the morning, because right now i don't have one, and it all makes it feel worthwhile. Even though i enjoy most of the day, when the day is done, what have i accomplished? I need to start working out again, i need to try to finish my scouting stuff, i need to get my piano music (i'm going to do that after i finish this). I really should start doing my homework again. I need to put forth some real effort in something. Right now i'm just kinda moving along. I need to get a job, i need a lot of things.

I've really gotta find something new.

Another Day, Another Destiny

today was alright i suppose. School was ok, it was no problem that i hadn't really done any of my homework. I think i very literally started out my day on the wrong side of the bed today. I woke up at 10 till 6 still dressed and with my contacts in. I changed and did my bed routine, trying to make it feel like a real day. i had to get up about 20 minutes later for seminary, we watched a movie, which was funny, cus i'd just been wondering when we were going to watch a movie again. Anyways, after that i slept a bit more, but all today i've just been a bit exhausted.

School went as school always does. After words i got a ride home with the mccrazys and then went with caitlin to try to find some piano music. but i didn't find what i needed, which wasn't helpful. Then i played some Wii at Caitlin's. I'm pretty sure my mom was right. I don't even have a Wii, and i still waste entirely too much time playing one. Oh well. After caitlin's i went home, watched house, and then felt whelmed. I made a nice post that made me feel better (it's on my other blog) played Claire de lune, listened to Claire de Lune, found a new piano piece by Philip Glass (finally. i was supposed to have it before christmas. it needs to be memorized before spring break) and felt a little bit better. I decided what my Eagle project would be (oh how i wish i had done this a month or two ago), i listened to some more good music, and generally i'm feeling a bit better. Man i'm moody. Lame.

I still have to right an essay for Gov.

Here's a list of things i want to do/have within one month of my birthday:
My Eagle, i still have some hope
A Job, this is kinda a prerequisite for some others
A watch
A cell phone
Nearly a Wii (if i get a watch and a cellphone first i'll have to wait a bit)
A consistent work out schedule.
Decide which college i'm going to
Have memorized all my music, except perhaps the philip glass piece
A drivers license
I think it's a little over hopeful to say a girlfriend, but we'll see
At least, if not a girlfriend, an idea of who i'm taking to prom, cus right now i've got nothing
I want to have gotten presents for Caitlin, Michael, and Roberta, who i owe presents.
that's enough for now. Blogging makes me feel better. Government essays do not, i guess i should maybe get to that.

How long must we sing this song?

Today while i was sitting in church (for some reason today in church i was very introspective, i think it was because i was sleepy, and the talks waxed soporific) i realized that i was really ready to be somewhere else. I don't really feel like i fit in where i'm at anymore. It's not that i feel left out or anything like that, it just that everything isn't quite right for me. School is either too much work or too boring (if not both) or english, which i still thoroughly enjoy. Soccer's done, which takes that out. Church is by and large too basic for me, which isn't suprising. I realized today that i'm just a couple weeks away from being essentially done with young mens (at 18 we leave youth and start real church). The same thing happened to me just before the end of primary (which is for kids 3-12). I'm looking forward to having lots of people my age in my church, which i imagine will happen once i'm bussed (or more likely flown) off to some remote city to begin my illustrious education. Even just within my friends, the whole not drinking and other moral convictions deal kinda makes party's not my thing. I dunno, i just feel like i'm in the wrong place for where i am in my life. It'll probably pass.

I think i can let this blog do movie reviews too, so without much ado: The Covenent.

I was really dissapointed with the Covenent. It's the first movie i've just disliked in a long time. It didn't really seem to find it's focus, unable to decide between horror or action. The scary scenes were forced and the action scenes weren't nearly epic enough. The super powers weren't nearly cool enough. I think that actually might be my main complaint, now that i think about it. I'll overlook most movies' flaws if they're fun to watch, this one wasn't though. With 'ultimate power' they just faught like Dragon Ball Z expect less cool. The ending was phoney, and the dialog was tacky. It was like if the WB got hit by some cheap horror flick. It didn't really explain things well, and it awkwardly forced a sequal to be possible, without even enough resolution to let this movie sit on it's own. Every cool part of this movie was revealed in the previews, which also gave away the plot. And that rediculous weather. I know fall in New England can get a little crazy, but a thunderstorm every night is just silly.

Anyway, final score, 2/5. If it's on you might watch it, but don't go out of your way.

Search!

i just found out that blogs have a search function. that's probably the handiest thing ever. i might start a second blog for non thoughtful daily grind junk.

Lets see, nothing too philosophical today, although i did ponder my opinion about homosexuality. But i don't really feel like making a blog on that, and i have to throw up an essay about the state of the union and my opinions and such. I don't like the state of the union. The clapping gets tiresome.

I hope i haven't gotten my latin teacher in trouble. That'd be bad.

~Don Coyote

post midnight thinking

So i guess this is as good a time as any to admit that mr. Jones totally inspired me to start a blog. At midnight or so i started reading them for a bit. almost an hour later and 9months worth of blogging earlier, i came upon a problem that i understand and experience but have never really thought about it that much. Latin is the only class i take that isn't advanced in some way, this means that it, like computer discovery years before, is about my only forray into the general masses of JPS students. These aren't really the general masses i suppose, since normal people don't take latin, but it's close enough.

So all through his blog he's dealing with the problem of teaching both excellent and mediocre students at the same time, and having to go a bit to fast for some and a bit to slow for others. The logical solution to this problem would be to divide the classes into smart kids and less-advanced kids, and would, in theory, wind up with everyone learning more. The problem with this is dividing students based on intelligence is a dangerous thing, and isn't especially acceptable. This would be even worse, because probably all the White kids would end up in the smart class. This leads me into another fun topic: racism.

I've always had to deal with the problems of racism and such...that makes is sound like i'm discriminated against, which isn't especially true. I've always had to deal with the inherrent stigma, and exhistance, of racism down here. About all of my friends are white. In a school that's about 95% black this seems to point to racism. It's kinda bad how all white kids kinda cling together in murrah, and it's always been that way. In my defense, I'm friends with people who are like me. People who are like me usually come from similar cultures, which means a lot of them are white. I don't dislike any black people on the basis of their skin color. I do dislike a lot of black people based on their personality, humor, values, and opinions. I dislike a few white people based on these things to.

Now, it gets a little more sordid when it comes to people like Carrie, or Karlos, or Melissa, or many many other black people who aren't that different from me. If they were white they'd quickly become part of the white click and we'd hangout and have fun and junk like that. Also on the topic of girls i'm perhaps unreasonable partial to white girls. Again, some of this has to do with personality, i'm partial to girls i like, but there's more to that. I dunno, i suppose everybody's a bit racist. It's sad that everything in mississippi gets turned into a racial debate. Oh well, i digress.

So back to fun school thinking. Would it be wrong to seperate kids into smart kids and dumb kids? We seperate out mentally disabled students. We create APAC and AP and accelerated and all that jazz, but there's no simple division of classes based on needs and potential. It's a bit risky to say potential, because it's terrible un-PC to say that anyone has less potential than anybody else, but i was born into a nice, white, high educated, high religious, loving and structured family who work hard to ensure that i'm outstanding. If i were born to a single mother who dropped out of college and works fulltime to put food on the table, i probably wouldn't be anywhere near where i am. I probably couldn't play piano, or swim, or read, or type, or think like i do now, since all of those require a bit of capital. It just doesn't quite seem fair that i have an easy time in high school while some people have to work. I'm just thinking classes like latin, health, computer discover, and those types of things would be a whole lot more productive if instead of dividing us by the magic formulas councelors use and mess up day in and day out, simply use testing, test scores, or just preference to chose where students end up. Why did i take mrs. cook for Chemistry when most people take Stokes?

Oh well, i think that's all for me, i'm in desperate need of some sleep. Hopefully i'll be able to wax philosophical on most of my blogs, and it doesn't turn into xanga or livejournal.

btw, i'm attracted to those who are unbridled and free. So says the magic quiz. Incidentally this is very true, but whatever.

Day 2

Since i said i'd try to avoid the monotonies of daily life and the problematic relationship type things, most of what happened today i'm not going to talk about. Alas.

Anyway, Caitlin's Wii awesomeness has made me decide to get a job. I'd like to start working once soccer is done. A Wii, a Cell phone, and all that other fun stuff. I miss having money. Hopefully it'll work out.

I hope people will still change a lot in their life. I wonder how much of what people are now is how they'll be forever.

So I have a blog now

For some reason or another, i felt like starting a blog. I already have LJ and Xanga, but i dunno, i just like this more. Hopefully this will stay more of a journal than a talking to my friends and reporting my day. We'll see how that goes.

So, lets start with the title. This way to infinity is a chaptor from the Phantom Tollbooth, which is one of my favorite books, and what with college and the impending doom of life, it seemed appropriate. The webaddress is mostly because it's raining a little bit right now, and falling asleep to the sound of rain is one of the greatest experiences ever, i highly recommend it.

So, who am I? As you may have already noticed, i'm not the best speller, and i don't put a whole lot of stock in capitalization online. In real life i have attrocious handwriting, i'm roughly 17, nearly 6' tall, and without a doubt skinny. I play Soccer, i swim and exercise when i can, i find clever new ways to get into relationships that go no where. I'm Mormon, which plays quite a bit into my personality and life in general. I like school i guess, the only reason i dislike some classes is because of the teachers. Science and History fascinate me, Math amazes me (e^iπ + 1 = 0, i mean how does that happen?) English makes humanity seem a little more worthwhile, and Latin is just cool. I play piano fairly well i guess, and if you need a wedding pianist i'd be more than happy to screw up the wedding march for small sums of money.

I've lived in Mississippi almost my entire life, although i doubt it's noticable. I don't have much of an accent, and a day in a city is enough to purge me of most habits of southern hospitality, which i personally feel is forced and meaningless. I generally don't say please, ma'am, sir, or anything like that if i can avoid it. Usually though i'd like to think i am respectful and polite, if not courteous. Or maybe i'm lieing to myself, either way.

Hopefully next year i'll be living in Boston or Philadelphia. I fell in love with the Northeast in 9th grade, and i'm working to get back there. I don't hate the south, but i dislike lots of things about it. I don't say ain't or ya'll out of principle, and i try to avoid any sort of southern accent. I'm sure i'll miss it sometime, and once i leave i'll probably admit that it's home, but until then, onward and upward.

I'm going to try to keep the tedium of high school relationship drama out of here, because tedium it is, and i want this blog to be mature and insightful, or at least interesting, and the revolving door of my high school love life is anything but. Besides, i have a real journal to write emo things in.

Lets see, i guess that's about the gist of my life. I have a facebook and a livejournal and a xanga and a myspace. firebert189 or Ammon Perkes should get you there, facebook is the only one worth checking. Now stop stalking me. Ok, that's pretty good for an introduction, look forward to new and exciting updates about my thoughts, dreams, goals, regrets, insights, incites, and exploits.

~The Proudest Monkey